Unrestricted Free Hotness: Edmonton Oilers

Tomorrow's the big day! UFA Day! Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get through many teams' UFA hotness by the deadline, but what're ya gonna do? From what I did see, I'm pulling hard for Jed Ortmeyer to don the copper and blue. Make it happen, Lowe.

After that exhilerating trip around the league, it's time for us to get back to our usual navel-gazing. The Oilers have six UFAs on the auction block tomorrow, but who's dreamy enough to be bought back?

In the crease:

Juicy Markkanen
The Juice is just too clean-cut to me, what with his conventional good looks, perfect blonde hair, and toothpaste-commercial smile. If he were in an 80's teen comedy, he would play Chas, the rich jock with a heart of gold. That said, Jussi and I do have something in common -- we both love his starting goalie. Roli needs a supportive backup, and Jussi's considered hot by a lot of lady fans. He's probably a keeper.

On the blueline:

Daniel Tjarnqvist
I know the Prez loves him, but I can't get over Shaggy's wonky eyes. Or terrible hair. Or "sports hernia." There have to be better, hotter, less injury-prone defencemen out there. Come on, K.Lo -- let's get hussied up in our tightest, shortest tube-dress and our tallest fuck-me pumps and WORK IT to pick up a defenseman tomorrow. It's time to put your self-respect on hold for the sake of our blueline.

Jan Hejda
Hejda is definitely more attractive than Tjarnqvist, what with the square jaw and sexy intense eyes. Arguably, he's also a better defenseman. I think he's probably worth another shot, if only because I don't think K.Lo's best pick-up lines will be able to entice more than one good blueliner from the market. I mean, "I'll let you ride my Zamboni" only works so often.

Trying to Score:

Petr Sykora
Hands down, Sykora is the Oilers' hottest UFA this season, with his great smile, ubiquitous 3-day facial hair growth, and adorable accent. The bar may have been low, but he also led the (post-Smytty) team in points this season. I hope Sykora will stay in Edmonton next year, if only for his post-game dressing room interviews. Rawr!

Toby Petersen
Oh, for fuck sakes. NOOOOOO!

Draft Day!

It's Draft Day! It's like Christmas, except with boys instead of presents! Let's unwrap what Uncle K.Lo got us in the first round, shall we?

Sam Gagner
Even though I suspect that Sam here was drafted solely because someone told K.Lo that Gagner means "to win" in French, management, er, managed not to screw this one up too badly. Despite the fact that he's a delicate flower who can't be away from his parents for more than 5 minutes, Gagner is kind of cute. Let's hope his momma can keep up with him on the ice in Edmonton.

Alex Plante
"Who?" Exactly. Not only is Plante so under-the-radar that he might actually be a figment of K.Lo's sugar-buzzed imagination, the kid sports some unfortunate Raffi-esque facial hair and I'm seriously concerned about what's happening on top of his head. Bad call, K.Lo. Maybe you should lay off the pop rocks and pixie stix before the draft next year.

Riley Nash
It's not good when the most interesting thing about a guy is the gorilla on his jersey. Aside from having a cool name and no soul, Nash here is about as bland as they come. I get the feeling K.Lo will be explaining this pick a year from now with, "he's really funny."





Since Can't Hardly Wait is playing on MuchMusic, starring mid-nineties dreamboats Seth Green and Ethan Embry, I'm just going to go ahead and switch away from the draft now that Edmonton's picks are done. Did someone order a LoveBurger? Well done.

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Columbus Dinner Jackets

Imagine being able to be magically whisked away to Columbus!

...Hi. We're in Columbus.

On the Blueline:

Jamie Pushor
Jamie here is an Southern Alberta boy who just can't seem to leave the farm (team) behind him. And lord knows we do not need another AHL regular within the Oil ranks, no matter how cute he may be. While I do find Mr. Pushor attractive, I hope K.Lo can resist the urge to engage his former Assistant GM in a bidding slap-fight over these here middling hockey skillz.

Anders Eriksson
Sweden-born Eriksson wears turtlenecks and/or neckguards. That's really all you need to know about him.







Bryan Berard
It's because of Bryan Berard that I now know the NHL has a minimum vision requirement of 20/400. That's legally blind! You can insert your own bad McGeough joke here.

Masterson-winner Berard may have only one good eye, but I think his look screams "thug" more than it does "pirate." Too bad, because: Bryan Berarrrrrd! would be worth bringing to Edmonton.

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Buffalo Sabres

The Buffalo Sabres is a sexy hockey team. Their logo is ugly, but their goaltender is not (unless you think he is. Loser). All the girls go wild for the lopsided face. Come 1 July, they will have a couple of gems up for grabs. The rest (read: Ty Conklin) are not really gems, but are still available. Let's take a look.


In the Crease:

Ty Conklin
First a nod to NHL.com for claiming that he plays for Columbus while displaying this photo of him wearing a Sabres jersey. Next, a nod to the people who made this, as it pretty much sums up the not-so-dearly-departed. Conklin went undrafted, but was signed by the Oilers in 2001. It can only be assumed that the other 29 teams saw something that Edmonton didn't. Fast-forward six years, and Edmontonians will fly into a murderous rage at the mere mention of Conklin's name. Attractive? Nuh-uh. Maybe his life here would have been easier here if he had had dreamy eyes a la Joffrey Lupul. Stay the hell out of Edmonton if you want to avoid being run over by the Oil Country Crusher. And take your carnies with you.

On the Blueline:

Teppo Numminen
He reminds me of Colin Farrell. I don't like it. His one saving grace is that he was Ulanov's teammate during the days of the Winnipeg Jets, therefore I am quite familiar with him in the EA Sports NHL '95 context. Judging by this photo, Numminen appears as though he might have a similar IQ to that of a rutabaga. That being said, anything is better than Matt Greene, whose intellect can be compared to a mere yam (much less sexy).

Trying to Score:

Daniel Briere
Daniel Briere is a great hockey player. In most cases I find him to be simply adorable, with his tiny hockey body and little accent. In this picture, however, he doesn't look any more more masculine than those fan girls. Should Edmonton be home to this girly man? Oh, hell. Yes! Yes! Oh god yes!

Chris Drury
Chris Drury looks like your little brother's perma-stoned best friend. You remember him as a six-year-old (before the days of his drug use, presumably) playing Lego (and possibly recreating biblical scenes) in your basement. Now he has grown up into a young man who likely says "dude" a lot and who can't stop staring at your breasts. Lucky for me, I don't have a little brother, nor do I know yours. This might convince Lowe. Who doesn't find that hot?

Adam Mair

He looks like a happy guy. And he looks like he's prone to bar fights. Also, I'm not into blonds unless they come from Russia. Offensively, he's about as sexy as your grandmother. And his nickname is "Mairsy," according to Wikipedia. Don't do it, Lowe. I don't care how offensively sexy your grandmother is.

Dainius Zubrus
While searching for images of Zubrus, I found pictures of Harry Potter, as well as a picture of a moose enjoying a wintery environment. Zubrus strikes me as the kind of guy you might find in a mid '90s Calvin Klein underwear print ad. Undergarments:1, Zubrus:0. Fortunately, his name is fun to say, and he comes from Lithuania, which happens to be in a part of Europe (East) where all the men are hot. The Oil should take him, if only for post-game dressing room shots on Pay-per-view.

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Philadelphia Flyers

Philadelphia! Home to gay Tom Hanks and one of my favourite players of all time. Oh, Hexie! If only you were a UFA this year instead of this pack of clowns.

In the Crease:

Robert Esche
Robert Esche is cute in a sort of bland way, especially if you're a fan of facial hair (and I am). He also has his own charity, the Save of the Day Foundation, for sick kids in his home town. Sweet, right? On the other, less attractive hand, he sports Kid Rock on his helmet and a neck-beard. Let's call it a wash. Verdict: meh.


Trying to Score:

Todd Fedoruk
If you do a Google Image search on Fedoruk, about 90% of the results involve him getting punched in the face. As such, it's not a surprise that last year he had to have titanium plates installed after Professor Boogaard demolished his cheekbones. Despite his, er, "upgrades," Fedoruk still more closely resembles a 12-year-old boy than the dreamy Steve Austin. I don't know about you, but prepubescent meatheads are just not my cup of semi-bionic tea.

Denis Hamel
Monsieur Hamel has an earnest cuteness about him. He looks like the type who would bring you flowers on a regular basis and get along with small children. Nice, but not exactly the type to make you wanna...you know. His hotness is a lot like his hockey ability: not quite good enough for the Oil.

Mike York
Mike York is a respected former Oiler, but I can't get over the guy's hair. It's in a perpetual state of greasy combed-backedness and falls into that no-man's-land between a decent haircut and a full-blown mullet. Plus, he looks a little smarmy. Nevertheless, I'd still take him over that ungrateful douchewad Peca anyday.

Unrestricted Free Hotness: NY Rangers

Beacuse New York is where old Oilers go to die, it seems weird to consider the Rangers as a source of new hotness. However, ladies do love men who live lives of danger (just ask Super Dave) -- there may be some potential here after all:

In the Crease:

Kevin Weekes
You have to love a man whose website plays Seventies porn music over shots of him making big saves. Hilarious. Weekes here is also big into hockey-related charities, which is hot. At the "not so hot" end of the spectrum: he has a pointy head and once appeared in an episode of All My Children. Net-net, I don't think he'd be much of an upgrade on the Juice in terms of dreaminess. Take a pass, K.Lo.

On the Blueline:

Sandis Ozolinsh
Sandis here looks pretty strung out, which actually might not be too far off the mark. I prefer my men to look a little less greasy and to look a lot less likely to ask me for $100 and a ride to Millwoods. Stay out of Edmonton, you bum!





Trying to Score:

Brendan Shanahan
On the cusp of retirement, Shanny has made it clear that he'd like to stay in NY if he decides to play next year. That's fine with me, because he wouldn't contribute much to the Oilers' overall hotness if he were to come to Edmonton. Sure, he may be "respected" and a "future hall-of-famer" and all, but he kind of creeps me out in the same way that Nedved does. Keep your "leadership" and "600 goals" far away from my city, pal.

Jed Ortmeyer
Here we (finally) have some real hotness potential. Young Mr. Ortmeyer is seriously cute. Last year, he was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism and missed about 40 games before coming back to finish the season and get nominated for the Bill Masterson -- don't you just want to hug him? He's way hotter than our Masterson candidate, Toby "oh for fuck sakes" Peterson. Get out your negotiating suit, K.Lo! Ortmeyer would be a sexy investment.

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Anaheim "Fucking" Ducks

I'm sick, and I blame Chris Pronger. On the day of Game 5 between Anaheim and Ottawa, I woke up with a sore throat. It's like my immune system knew what was coming and decided to preemptively go on strike. By the time CFP hoisted the cup, my sinuses felt like they were the size of baseballs. Baseballs with nails sticking out of them. As I blew my nose for the thirty-six-thousandth time, I realized that there is no such thing as karma.

Suffice it to say that I don't feel much like evaluating the hotness of the UFAs who helped this fucking douchebag win the Stanley Cup. I'm blinded by loathing anyways, so my summaries would be along the lines of: "Teemu Selanne -- Rat-faced jerk loser DICKWEED!!!1!!1!"

Let's not, okay?

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Florida Panthers

So far, the UFA market has been pretty lean on hotness. But Florida's hot, right? And Panthers! Rawr!

In the Crease:

Eddie Belfour
He may be a billionaire, but he's also a dead-eyed mummy husk fueled by rage. Depicted here clinging desperately to a goalie stick lest he collapse into a pile of ash, Eddie looks like exactly the kind of intellectually-challenged creep whose pick-up artillery would include the imaginary ass-spank dance, dry humping, and possibly vomiting on himself. Time to retire, big guy.

Trying to Score:

Martin Gelinas
One of the "bags of pucks" that the Oil got in return for Gretzky, Gelinas was also key in taking the Flames to the 2004 Stanley Cup Finals. Clearly, the man is evil and no good would come of bringing his five-head and Letterman-esque grin to Edmonton.



Jozef Stumpel
Slovak Stumpel's too-far-apart eyes and wierd hair do nothing for me, but I'll let the ladies who dig Eastern European men decide whether he's hot. Prez? Is Slovakia close enough to Russia?





Ville Peltonen
Though his shirt appears to be a packing list, which is ridiculous, Ville here is definitely a hot Fin. As our blogger hot-off showed, ladies love men with wind-blown hair, and his expression in this photo says "I am a sensitive dreamer who loves to walk along the boardwalk holding hands." Either that, or he's contemplating whether to buy a foot-long or a cheeseburger. Dreamy!