Unrestricted Free Hotness: Buffalo Sabres

The Buffalo Sabres is a sexy hockey team. Their logo is ugly, but their goaltender is not (unless you think he is. Loser). All the girls go wild for the lopsided face. Come 1 July, they will have a couple of gems up for grabs. The rest (read: Ty Conklin) are not really gems, but are still available. Let's take a look.


In the Crease:

Ty Conklin
First a nod to NHL.com for claiming that he plays for Columbus while displaying this photo of him wearing a Sabres jersey. Next, a nod to the people who made this, as it pretty much sums up the not-so-dearly-departed. Conklin went undrafted, but was signed by the Oilers in 2001. It can only be assumed that the other 29 teams saw something that Edmonton didn't. Fast-forward six years, and Edmontonians will fly into a murderous rage at the mere mention of Conklin's name. Attractive? Nuh-uh. Maybe his life here would have been easier here if he had had dreamy eyes a la Joffrey Lupul. Stay the hell out of Edmonton if you want to avoid being run over by the Oil Country Crusher. And take your carnies with you.

On the Blueline:

Teppo Numminen
He reminds me of Colin Farrell. I don't like it. His one saving grace is that he was Ulanov's teammate during the days of the Winnipeg Jets, therefore I am quite familiar with him in the EA Sports NHL '95 context. Judging by this photo, Numminen appears as though he might have a similar IQ to that of a rutabaga. That being said, anything is better than Matt Greene, whose intellect can be compared to a mere yam (much less sexy).

Trying to Score:

Daniel Briere
Daniel Briere is a great hockey player. In most cases I find him to be simply adorable, with his tiny hockey body and little accent. In this picture, however, he doesn't look any more more masculine than those fan girls. Should Edmonton be home to this girly man? Oh, hell. Yes! Yes! Oh god yes!

Chris Drury
Chris Drury looks like your little brother's perma-stoned best friend. You remember him as a six-year-old (before the days of his drug use, presumably) playing Lego (and possibly recreating biblical scenes) in your basement. Now he has grown up into a young man who likely says "dude" a lot and who can't stop staring at your breasts. Lucky for me, I don't have a little brother, nor do I know yours. This might convince Lowe. Who doesn't find that hot?

Adam Mair

He looks like a happy guy. And he looks like he's prone to bar fights. Also, I'm not into blonds unless they come from Russia. Offensively, he's about as sexy as your grandmother. And his nickname is "Mairsy," according to Wikipedia. Don't do it, Lowe. I don't care how offensively sexy your grandmother is.

Dainius Zubrus
While searching for images of Zubrus, I found pictures of Harry Potter, as well as a picture of a moose enjoying a wintery environment. Zubrus strikes me as the kind of guy you might find in a mid '90s Calvin Klein underwear print ad. Undergarments:1, Zubrus:0. Fortunately, his name is fun to say, and he comes from Lithuania, which happens to be in a part of Europe (East) where all the men are hot. The Oil should take him, if only for post-game dressing room shots on Pay-per-view.

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Philadelphia Flyers

Philadelphia! Home to gay Tom Hanks and one of my favourite players of all time. Oh, Hexie! If only you were a UFA this year instead of this pack of clowns.

In the Crease:

Robert Esche
Robert Esche is cute in a sort of bland way, especially if you're a fan of facial hair (and I am). He also has his own charity, the Save of the Day Foundation, for sick kids in his home town. Sweet, right? On the other, less attractive hand, he sports Kid Rock on his helmet and a neck-beard. Let's call it a wash. Verdict: meh.


Trying to Score:

Todd Fedoruk
If you do a Google Image search on Fedoruk, about 90% of the results involve him getting punched in the face. As such, it's not a surprise that last year he had to have titanium plates installed after Professor Boogaard demolished his cheekbones. Despite his, er, "upgrades," Fedoruk still more closely resembles a 12-year-old boy than the dreamy Steve Austin. I don't know about you, but prepubescent meatheads are just not my cup of semi-bionic tea.

Denis Hamel
Monsieur Hamel has an earnest cuteness about him. He looks like the type who would bring you flowers on a regular basis and get along with small children. Nice, but not exactly the type to make you wanna...you know. His hotness is a lot like his hockey ability: not quite good enough for the Oil.

Mike York
Mike York is a respected former Oiler, but I can't get over the guy's hair. It's in a perpetual state of greasy combed-backedness and falls into that no-man's-land between a decent haircut and a full-blown mullet. Plus, he looks a little smarmy. Nevertheless, I'd still take him over that ungrateful douchewad Peca anyday.

Unrestricted Free Hotness: NY Rangers

Beacuse New York is where old Oilers go to die, it seems weird to consider the Rangers as a source of new hotness. However, ladies do love men who live lives of danger (just ask Super Dave) -- there may be some potential here after all:

In the Crease:

Kevin Weekes
You have to love a man whose website plays Seventies porn music over shots of him making big saves. Hilarious. Weekes here is also big into hockey-related charities, which is hot. At the "not so hot" end of the spectrum: he has a pointy head and once appeared in an episode of All My Children. Net-net, I don't think he'd be much of an upgrade on the Juice in terms of dreaminess. Take a pass, K.Lo.

On the Blueline:

Sandis Ozolinsh
Sandis here looks pretty strung out, which actually might not be too far off the mark. I prefer my men to look a little less greasy and to look a lot less likely to ask me for $100 and a ride to Millwoods. Stay out of Edmonton, you bum!





Trying to Score:

Brendan Shanahan
On the cusp of retirement, Shanny has made it clear that he'd like to stay in NY if he decides to play next year. That's fine with me, because he wouldn't contribute much to the Oilers' overall hotness if he were to come to Edmonton. Sure, he may be "respected" and a "future hall-of-famer" and all, but he kind of creeps me out in the same way that Nedved does. Keep your "leadership" and "600 goals" far away from my city, pal.

Jed Ortmeyer
Here we (finally) have some real hotness potential. Young Mr. Ortmeyer is seriously cute. Last year, he was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism and missed about 40 games before coming back to finish the season and get nominated for the Bill Masterson -- don't you just want to hug him? He's way hotter than our Masterson candidate, Toby "oh for fuck sakes" Peterson. Get out your negotiating suit, K.Lo! Ortmeyer would be a sexy investment.

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Anaheim "Fucking" Ducks

I'm sick, and I blame Chris Pronger. On the day of Game 5 between Anaheim and Ottawa, I woke up with a sore throat. It's like my immune system knew what was coming and decided to preemptively go on strike. By the time CFP hoisted the cup, my sinuses felt like they were the size of baseballs. Baseballs with nails sticking out of them. As I blew my nose for the thirty-six-thousandth time, I realized that there is no such thing as karma.

Suffice it to say that I don't feel much like evaluating the hotness of the UFAs who helped this fucking douchebag win the Stanley Cup. I'm blinded by loathing anyways, so my summaries would be along the lines of: "Teemu Selanne -- Rat-faced jerk loser DICKWEED!!!1!!1!"

Let's not, okay?

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Florida Panthers

So far, the UFA market has been pretty lean on hotness. But Florida's hot, right? And Panthers! Rawr!

In the Crease:

Eddie Belfour
He may be a billionaire, but he's also a dead-eyed mummy husk fueled by rage. Depicted here clinging desperately to a goalie stick lest he collapse into a pile of ash, Eddie looks like exactly the kind of intellectually-challenged creep whose pick-up artillery would include the imaginary ass-spank dance, dry humping, and possibly vomiting on himself. Time to retire, big guy.

Trying to Score:

Martin Gelinas
One of the "bags of pucks" that the Oil got in return for Gretzky, Gelinas was also key in taking the Flames to the 2004 Stanley Cup Finals. Clearly, the man is evil and no good would come of bringing his five-head and Letterman-esque grin to Edmonton.



Jozef Stumpel
Slovak Stumpel's too-far-apart eyes and wierd hair do nothing for me, but I'll let the ladies who dig Eastern European men decide whether he's hot. Prez? Is Slovakia close enough to Russia?





Ville Peltonen
Though his shirt appears to be a packing list, which is ridiculous, Ville here is definitely a hot Fin. As our blogger hot-off showed, ladies love men with wind-blown hair, and his expression in this photo says "I am a sensitive dreamer who loves to walk along the boardwalk holding hands." Either that, or he's contemplating whether to buy a foot-long or a cheeseburger. Dreamy!

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Washington Caps

It's true! The Caps aren't composed entirely of gangly Russians, despite what the NHL marketing department might lead you to believe. Even so, are their UFAs hot enough to wear copper and blue? Let's find out.

On the Blueline:

Bryan Muir
Muir was an Oiler for about 3 seconds in the mid-nineties, and was eventually traded for Guerin. Excellent trade, I'd say -- particularly for the exponential increase in team hotness. This guy looks like somebody's boring uncle. You know the one -- he buys you shitty adult contemporary CDs at Christmas and won't let you drink soda in his car because you might spill. And he lived with your grandma until he was 30. I'm sure there are some ladies who would find all that sexy, but I am not one of them. Get out of here, Uncle Bryan!

Trying to Score:

Donald Brashear
As you can see, this notorious enforcer knows how to look hot, even when he's ruining McSorley's career, cheap-shotting some sucker, or sharpening his stick into a shiv. On the other hand, he's apparently kind of a dink. What wins out: muscles or douchebaggery? You decide!

Unrestricted Free Hotness: San Jose Sharks

It's hard for anyone to look hot in a bright aqua clown costume, but let's see how the Sharks' UFAs fare, shall we? A healthy California tan might be just the thing to make the pasty Oilers like whoa.

On the Blueline:

Scott Hannan
I'm sure Mr. Hannan is a nice fellow, but he looks like a rural Alberta date rapist. Greasy long hair and sketchy teenage 7-11 clerk chin pubes do not a dreamboat make -- remember Todd Harvey? Just say no to sweaty creeps, K.Lo.




Craig Rivet
Craig Rivet may be the most boring man in the NHL. His bland good looks put me to sleep, and his on-ice performance could not be more average. He looks like every WHL player that I went to high school with, if they had been able to grow middle-aged frat boy goatees. It wasn't hot in the mid-90's, and it's certainly not hot now.


Trying to Score:

Mark Smith
Edmonton-born Mark Smith has a bit of a Jeremy Piven look going on, which is pretty hot to a PCU fan such as myself (GO TO SLEEP!). I also dig his creative hairstyles and scrappy playing style. Plus, he's a rockstar, so if K.Lo were to bring Smith home, the ice would be littered with panties every night. Who can say no to THAT?


Billy Guerin
One-time Hot Oiler Guerin is back on the auction block after bouncing around the league for the past 7 years or so. His inability to commit isn't very hot, but if Guerin were to return to Edmonton I bet he'd give Moreau a run for his money in the Hot-Off. Come on, K.Lo -- he gave us Ales Hemsky. Why not give ol' Billy a second chance in return?