Tell mom I say hi.

Is this farewell to Toby too obscure?

Hey! Where did Hejda go?

That's right kids.. While it was overshadowed by the apparent collapse of the Oilers management (see any blog in the Oilogosphere), Jan Hejda was not signed by the Oil.

Hot, talented, and one of the only players who gave a damn in the last half of the season.. and now he's a Columbus Blue Jacket.

Smooth move Howson.

Oh. I remember you.

And not very fondly, I might add. But yes, Dick Tarnstrom is back for another go 'round with the Oil. I recall that he was very prone to sickness. Don't confuse him with the Swedish defenceman we had this season (you can tell them apart by the fact that Tjarnqvist is at least attractive, even with his googly eyes), who was prone to injuries of the pubic nature.

Look who else the Oilers signed to a one year deal. Yes, it's none other than Ulanov's former teammate, Denis Grebeshkov! Grebeshkov is a handsome (read: Russian) D-man, and he posted 17 points in 47 games with the Russian Superleague's Yaroslavl Lokomotiv last season. Get a better look at him here (hope you can read Russian). With his departure, let's hope that the Lokomotiv decide to re-sign ol' Ulanov.

Oh Captain Where Art Thou?

Remember back in the day when we had two guys with the same (pronounced) last name? If you weren't an Oilers fan, you probably knew that one of them was the captain, but were probably wrong as to which one.

Captain Canada left at the trade deadline and now the Oilers' Captain is off to Philly. (Word on the street is that Smyth is returning to our conference - Colorado bound, gag.)

So, who steps in to fill the void?

Dare I say it? 2006's Hot-Oil Hot-Off winner? Ethan "Hot-Oil Hot-Off winner" Moreau?

Oh, by the way, Ol' Blue Eyes is gone. I'm terrified he will stop being consistently useless to the 4-goal-a-game wonder we thought we were getting.

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Edmonton Oilers

Tomorrow's the big day! UFA Day! Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get through many teams' UFA hotness by the deadline, but what're ya gonna do? From what I did see, I'm pulling hard for Jed Ortmeyer to don the copper and blue. Make it happen, Lowe.

After that exhilerating trip around the league, it's time for us to get back to our usual navel-gazing. The Oilers have six UFAs on the auction block tomorrow, but who's dreamy enough to be bought back?

In the crease:

Juicy Markkanen
The Juice is just too clean-cut to me, what with his conventional good looks, perfect blonde hair, and toothpaste-commercial smile. If he were in an 80's teen comedy, he would play Chas, the rich jock with a heart of gold. That said, Jussi and I do have something in common -- we both love his starting goalie. Roli needs a supportive backup, and Jussi's considered hot by a lot of lady fans. He's probably a keeper.

On the blueline:

Daniel Tjarnqvist
I know the Prez loves him, but I can't get over Shaggy's wonky eyes. Or terrible hair. Or "sports hernia." There have to be better, hotter, less injury-prone defencemen out there. Come on, K.Lo -- let's get hussied up in our tightest, shortest tube-dress and our tallest fuck-me pumps and WORK IT to pick up a defenseman tomorrow. It's time to put your self-respect on hold for the sake of our blueline.

Jan Hejda
Hejda is definitely more attractive than Tjarnqvist, what with the square jaw and sexy intense eyes. Arguably, he's also a better defenseman. I think he's probably worth another shot, if only because I don't think K.Lo's best pick-up lines will be able to entice more than one good blueliner from the market. I mean, "I'll let you ride my Zamboni" only works so often.

Trying to Score:

Petr Sykora
Hands down, Sykora is the Oilers' hottest UFA this season, with his great smile, ubiquitous 3-day facial hair growth, and adorable accent. The bar may have been low, but he also led the (post-Smytty) team in points this season. I hope Sykora will stay in Edmonton next year, if only for his post-game dressing room interviews. Rawr!

Toby Petersen
Oh, for fuck sakes. NOOOOOO!

Draft Day!

It's Draft Day! It's like Christmas, except with boys instead of presents! Let's unwrap what Uncle K.Lo got us in the first round, shall we?

Sam Gagner
Even though I suspect that Sam here was drafted solely because someone told K.Lo that Gagner means "to win" in French, management, er, managed not to screw this one up too badly. Despite the fact that he's a delicate flower who can't be away from his parents for more than 5 minutes, Gagner is kind of cute. Let's hope his momma can keep up with him on the ice in Edmonton.

Alex Plante
"Who?" Exactly. Not only is Plante so under-the-radar that he might actually be a figment of K.Lo's sugar-buzzed imagination, the kid sports some unfortunate Raffi-esque facial hair and I'm seriously concerned about what's happening on top of his head. Bad call, K.Lo. Maybe you should lay off the pop rocks and pixie stix before the draft next year.

Riley Nash
It's not good when the most interesting thing about a guy is the gorilla on his jersey. Aside from having a cool name and no soul, Nash here is about as bland as they come. I get the feeling K.Lo will be explaining this pick a year from now with, "he's really funny."





Since Can't Hardly Wait is playing on MuchMusic, starring mid-nineties dreamboats Seth Green and Ethan Embry, I'm just going to go ahead and switch away from the draft now that Edmonton's picks are done. Did someone order a LoveBurger? Well done.

Unrestricted Free Hotness: Columbus Dinner Jackets

Imagine being able to be magically whisked away to Columbus!

...Hi. We're in Columbus.

On the Blueline:

Jamie Pushor
Jamie here is an Southern Alberta boy who just can't seem to leave the farm (team) behind him. And lord knows we do not need another AHL regular within the Oil ranks, no matter how cute he may be. While I do find Mr. Pushor attractive, I hope K.Lo can resist the urge to engage his former Assistant GM in a bidding slap-fight over these here middling hockey skillz.

Anders Eriksson
Sweden-born Eriksson wears turtlenecks and/or neckguards. That's really all you need to know about him.







Bryan Berard
It's because of Bryan Berard that I now know the NHL has a minimum vision requirement of 20/400. That's legally blind! You can insert your own bad McGeough joke here.

Masterson-winner Berard may have only one good eye, but I think his look screams "thug" more than it does "pirate." Too bad, because: Bryan Berarrrrrd! would be worth bringing to Edmonton.