Is it in you? IS IT?

And by "it," I mean "sports hernias," "Sebastien Bisaillon," and "frighteningly bad hockey." This little gem was found at a local convenience store, probably left over from last year's run. Awesome as an Oilers-branded Gatorade is, the unfortunate choice of player to showcase on the label makes it even awesomer:

Oh Smytty. When I think "greasy mullet," or "toothless grin," my next thought is not usually "refeshing beverage." Not that orange liquid sugar is refreshing. I have no idea where I'm going with this, except to say OILERS GATORADE! WITH RYAN SMYTH! CHECK IT OUT!

I Heart Hasek?

Detroit, you are shameless! Stop trying to seduce me with your textbook-perfect passing. You know my heart belongs to the Oil! Sure, I enjoyed our round 1 fling, especially the part where you delivered a hilariously embarassing ass-pounding to the Flames, but we are through Mister! What's that? You're playing the hated Ducks in the second round? Oh, my. Well, yes, I suppose I will come up for a drink.

That's right, folks. I'm getting in bed with the Wings. As the first round went on, I found that cheering against the Flames slowly turned to cheering for Detroit. I mean, they move the puck so well -- I think it hypnotized me! Also, I get a kick out of the fact that they have the two oldest players in the league, one of which mentored my Roli (resulting in the two having very similar playing styles) and the other a well-established ass with a good sense of humour. Mike Babcock is still a smarmy douchebag, but I think this is a team I can get behind for the rest of the playoffs. GOWINGS?

When did Craig Simpson move to Calgary?

How I know that I need more sleep the night before exams:

I wrote something to the effect of: If Karl Marx were alive today, he would have one hell of a playoff beard.

F stands for "fantastic," right?

Canada's job just got a whole lot easier.

Matt Greene and Toby Petersen have been named to Team USA in the World Men's Hockey Championship. In Moscow. This makes me instantly jealous of them (nevermind that they're getting paid ridiculous amounts of money for playing in the NHL). It will be nice for Roloson to play against them for a change.

In other news, Schremp has injured his knee. He will possibly miss the rest of the AHL playoffs.

Three Facts about Toby Petersen

Toby Petersen should not be in the NHL. For whatever reason, he was MacT's third line centre most of the season and even jumped to number 2 man when Stoll went down. As a Reasoner supporter (join the Facebook group - I believe in Marty Reasoner), it hurt to watch my man pushed down the depth chart. Sure, the shorthanded goals were nice in principle, but we were trying to lose the rest of the season! Weren't we? I mean he was our 2nd line center!

Toby Petersen has diabetes. I'm not making a joke out of this because I really really really hate needles. I'm having trouble typing now because I'm thinking about needles.

But Toby Petersen is also a dangerous driver. It has come to my attention that Toby recently sideswiped a young girl's car in Edmonton. Despite his acknowledged blame in the situation, he is fighting back. Who sues in a traffic accident when you already admitted it was your fault? That doesn't even make sense. That's Toby Petersen.


Which one is the real Toby Petersen? 2nd line center? Diabetes survivor? Dangerous Driver?

Breaking News: Lupul Not So Dreamy

So the Oilers cleaned out their lockers on Monday or, in Lupul's case, packed up the mountain of balled-up hockey tape that had been thrown at him in disgust throughout the season. Nice garbage bag, douche. Hilariously, MacT has no qualms about calling ol' dreamy eyes a failure. Twice.

In other news, Stoll's head is still aping a watermelon dropped from the fifth floor. He doesn't think the injury is career ending, but he also doesn't have an M.D.

In other other news, Schremp is boring!

P.S. The Wings are leading the Flames 4-0 right now and I can't stop smiling. Calgary's defence couldn't be worse if it were made up entirely of cloned Toby Petersons. Also, I laugh a little every time I see Hasek's mask because it looks like the one I wore in bunnies. Get a real mask, you clown!

Ex-Oil going for the Conn Smythe

(To count, the player must have played one regular season game for the Oil. That's why someone like Lombardi is not on this list.)

*Played on Oilers during last year's cup run

Islanders (4) - Ryan Smyth*, Tom Poti, Marc Andre Bergeron*, Miroslav Satan

Sabres (3) - Ty Conklin*, Jaroslav Spacek*, Jochen Hecht

Ducks (2) - Todd Marchant, Chris Pronger*

Thrashers (2) - Scott Mellanby, Greg DeVries

Rangers (2) - Brad Isbister, Stephen Valiquette

Senators (2) - Mike Comrie, Dean McAmmond

Sharks (2) - Bill Guerin, Mike Grier

Devils (1) - Jim Dowd

Penguins (1) - Georges Laraque*

Flames (1) - Roman Hamrlik

Red Wings (1) - Dan Cleary

Predators (1) - Jason Arnott

Canucks (1) - Josh Green

Lightning (0) - None

Stars (0) - None

Wild (0) - None


So what have determined with this in depth analysis? If you have a lot of Oilers, at least they were ones that have experienced winning. Go Islanders!

MIND BULLETS!

Now that the Oilers season has shuddered to a stop on one flat tire and three bare rims, it's time to leave Toby Peterson behind and make some completely unscientific playoff predictions! In the East, the only team I like is Buffalo. I think they have a good shot at going all the way, and I used to be a childhood fan so they'll probably be the team I follow through the dance. In the West, I dig San Jose and Minnesota for no reason other than a gut feeling. The Wild in particular are a long shot, with their #1 goalie on the IR list, but I could see them getting on a roll. When it comes to San Jose, I just have a soft spot for their ridiculous jerseys.

So, who do y'all think will take home Lord Stanley's Cup? Predictions based on "facts" and "statistics" are strongly discouraged. Everyone knows the playoffs are a crapshoot.

Even!

In his first game as an oiler, he was EVEN with 13:50 of icetime, including 2:02 on the powerplay. He got two shots (and missed another), dished out a hit and was 50% in the faceoff circle (taking 12 draws).

What more do you want?

By the way, Joffreyes Lupul got a fantastic -2 in the game in 13:37.

It's official, Schremp is the best Oiler ever.

Guess who's been called up?

Now, I don't want to bump down Alana's ode to Canada's Roli Goalie, but there is a HUGE development in Losedmonton. Everyone's favorite poser is getting his chance.

That's right folks, starting tonight and hopefully lasting until the end of the season, Mr. Robbie Schremp is an Oiler. Lots of fans wanted this to happen right from Game 1, but I think, in the immortal words of Vanessa L Williams, they were saving the best for last.

GOCANADA!

Looks like Stevie Y is moving in on my boyfriend Dwayne Roloson, naming him as one of the first five players added to the Team Canada roster for the 2007 IIHF World Men's Hockey Championship. Back off, Yzerman!

The festivities begin on April 28, and I can't wait to watch my favourite goalie on a team that can actually, you know, play hockey.

Also, am I the only one surprised that Roli managed to keep a SV% above .9 this season despite playing behind of a black hole of suck? Hot!

Rehab = Rawr

As the Oilers season plods depressingly toward its merciful end, my thoughts turn back to the heady days of October 2006 and the crowning of our first annual Hot-Off Champion, one Mr. Ethan Moreau. Less than a month later, Chopper's slap fight injury gave us a taste of the myriad concussions, "sports hernias," and thumb wrestling injuries to come as the 2006/07 season spiraled into absurdity. Sigh.

Well, it looks like the ovulation-inducing Moreau is finally on the mend! As this YouTube clip shows, he's been busy arm wrestling rubber bands, playing full-body cat's cradle, and sword fighting, all in the name of Medicine! It's far, far too late to save the season, but at least we can be assured that Chopper and his repaired shoulder will be bringing sexy back in October 2007. Squee!