The Greatest Arena Rock Anthem that Wasn't

When it comes to NHL games, the ice isn't the only place where women are under-represented. While the sound system repeatedly bleats such aural assaults as "Cotton-Eyed Joe" and "Song #2," scarcely a female voice is heard. Sometimes a top-40 pop tart (see: Fergie) breaks through the male-dominated clutter, but these tunes typically have no longevity -- in a decade, I doubt that "London Bridge" will be blasted whenever Hemsky 2.0 scores a goal. In contrast, "Welcome to the Jungle" will almost definitely remain in the repertoire.

Admittedly, there are not a lot of rock anthems with female vocals. "Hit me with your Best Shot" should probably get more play than it does, but the rest of Benetar's catalogue is a little too emo for the rink. Lita Ford's "Kiss me Deadly" has potential, but isn't very well-known and often gets overlooked. In light of this dilemma, what can us ladies do to inject some much-needed estrogen into the Oilers' PA system? Maybe what we should really be asking is: What Would Joan Jett Do?

I think Joan Jett would bust out her gritty, sexy, and generally amazing cover of the notorious Gary Glitter's "Do you Wanna Touch Me." While Glitter's version is sleazy (go figure) and really quite fey, Jett transforms this silly song about clumsy seduction into a head-banging, fist-pumping, crowd-rallying rock and roll anthem that rivals the best that GnR, Van Halen, or any of those other old men have to offer. Just listening to this tune on my MP3 player makes me feel as if I've been transported to some epic sports event where the stadium is screaming "YEAH; OH YEAH; OH YEAH!" along with the chorus.

Considering that the Oilers are the sexiest team in the league, I think it would be appropriate for their celebratory theme song to be about that deadly combo: raging hormones and whiskey. How better to follow a climactic breakaway goal than with the orgasmic declaration, "Do you wanna touch me there (where?) there! YEAH!"?
I mean, really.