Hot and Not in 2006: A Recap

HOT	ugh, so NOT
Craig MacTavish	Craig Simpson
The Playoff Run	The Playoffs End
Marty in Stereo	Marty in Boston
Ethan Moreau's Hot Bod	Ethan Moreau's Shoulder
Chris "Hero" Pronger	Chris "Fucking" Pronger
Joffrey Lupul's Eyes	Joffrey Lupul's Eye for the Net
Ulanov in Edmonton	Ulanov in Russia
Schremp in the O	Schremp in a Speedo
Roli vs. Cheechoo	Roli vs. Bergeron
The Rookies	The Number of Rookies
Our Christmas Gifts	Our Christmas Record
This Website and the girls who maintain it.	The fact that we didn't think of it sooner.

As much as we wanted a Stanley Cup, sometimes it's not in the cards. I think we'll all remember the run with fondness, longing and respect. Lets look towards 2007 and take the ups with the downs. It's going to be a good year, regardless of what happens.

Thanks for the support! Best of luck to you and your loved ones in the New Year!

Remember to Vote Rory! Voting ends January 2nd at 9pm PT!

Coming! Tuesday, January 2nd!

Of note! I know that there are many hot, talented women of the Oilogosphere and I salute them. But is there really any competition for Hot-Oil's The Prez? Right. I didn't think so.

So, I give to you, the hottest men of the Oilogosphere. If you haven't submitted your picture, please do so or you will be assigned a picture. Also, any information about you would be appreciated - your favorite oiler, at what rate you're losing your hair, what you look for in a lady, etc. (Send here)

Here's what the schedule will look like:
January 2 - Andy Grabia vs. The Anonymous Poster vs. AsiaOil
January 4 - Black Dog vs. Chris! vs. Colby Cosh
January 6 - Dennis vs. Donecoyote vs. Kinger
January 8 - Lord Bob vs. Lowetide vs. Marc Ciampa
January 10 - Matt vs. MattM vs. MC79
January 12 - Michael vs. MikeW vs. Mirtle
January 14 - Pleasure Motors vs. RiversQ vs. Sacamano
January 16 - Shawn vs. Speeds vs. Vic Ferrari

The next round will begin January 18th. All voting will be anonymous.

(And really, we'll need something to keep our minds busy while the Oilers go in the tank)

Oil Loot!

Happy holidays, everyone! I hope y'all got what you wanted for Christmas, Hanukkah, Festivus, or whatever. In addition to the usual chocolate and socks, I received some sweet Oilers swag (pictured above). Real-life boyfriend Dave gave me the sexy Oil stretchy gloves, which will be great for street hockey, and the hockey stick signed by Ryan "Heart and Soul" Smyth came from my brother. Although I was tempted by the potential dirty-goal-getting power of Smytty's blessing, I will not be using the stick for street hockey. Thanks, bro!

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

Especially Ovechkin. (Go to tsn.ca and the broadband videos - The Night Before Christmas - adorable!)

The Hot-Oil Oilogosphere Hot-Off

Now seeking submissions for photographs of the following bloggers:

From Covered in Oil:
Chris!
Mike W
Pleasure Motors

From Battle of Alberta:
Andy Grabia
Matt (though he's not really Oily, and will probably falter in the first round because of it)
Sacamano

From Irreverant Oil Fans:
Vic Ferrari
Dennis
RiversQ

From Always on the Road:
Kinger
MattM

From their own respective sites:
Lowetide
Black Dog Hates Skunks
MC79
Colby Cosh
Mirtle

That makes for a perfect sweet sixteen, but let me know if you think I'm missing someone! I wouldn't dare prevent anyone from participating in the competition.

How you know your real boyfriend likes you this Christmas: A True Story

He gets you a signed and framed Marty Reasoner picture for Christmas.

(By the way, sorry about dropping the ball on the 12 days of Xmas threads. They weren't turning out that good anyways!)

What Your Oiler Boyfriend Says About You: Coach Edition

A girl whose heart belongs to MacT appreciates the finer things in life. She is always dressed to the nines but, though she may look like a lady, she's no stranger to salty language. When driving, she eschews her seatbelt -- fear of injury is a foreign concept. Her favourite movie is Slapshot, primarily because she fantasizes about Reggie Dunlop.

A lady who loves Huddy is clearly turned on by a strong plus/minus rating. As such, she may be mathematically-minded and have a job that requires her to use a calculator on a regular basis. No metrosexuals for this girl -- she prefers "real" men and is probably into traditional gender roles when it comes to relationships. Her favourite movie is Die Hard because John McClane is so very hot.

A woman who digs Craig Simpson is strangely drawn to real estate advertisements, and therefore loves to ride public transit. When eating with a group, she enjoys passing the salt around the table five or six times before actually using it on her food. When she finally does so, she often misses her plate and has to again pass the shaker around the table before attempting a second try. Her favourite film is Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie because Sonic equals teh hottness!!1!1!!

A chick who's crushing on Bill Moores is modest and embarassed by the spotlight. Bill's faceoff expertise turns her on because she appreciates the importance of seemingly simple things in the grand scheme of it all. She may also have a daddy complex. Her favourite movie is The Wizard of Oz because the mysterious wizard is like whoa.

On the third day of Christmas, the Oilers gave to me...

Three big hits

Marty Mic'ed up

And a lost helmet from Roli!

Potato Salad?

Keeping with the holiday theme that Loxy's got going on around here, above you will find a ridiculously cute segment on The Oilers' Christmas memories. I love how the editing makes it sound like Fernando Pisani used to receive lasagna as a Christmas gift each year. BADABOOMBADABING!

On the second day of Christmas, the Oilers gave to me...

Marty Mic'ed up

And a lost helmet from Roli

On the first day of Christmas, the Oilers gave to me...

A lost hel-met from Roli.

Some Saturday Morning Roli Squee-age

Coming off of his second straight shutout, this time against Dallas (ew), Roli has been selected to be one of NHL.com's Three Stars! That's my boy. Now he just has to keep the puck out of the net for 22 minutes and 15 seconds more against Chicago, and he'll break his personal shutout streak record.

Here's an interesting YouTube clip -- Roli wore a mic at the November 28th game against Anaheim and, like any good goalie, he does a lot of hollering at his defence. He also makes a cute "oof" sound when he falls over. Enjoy!

The Hot-Oil Hot Prospects

With a seemingly unending road down injury lane for veteran Oilers, we will be seeing more and more prospects suiting up in the next weeks. So, here's a rundown of the top ten prospects that we'd like to see in an Oil jersey this year... preferrably in less than an Oil jersey...

10. Taylor Chorney - Not the most flattering picture, but it does show his great facial structure. I think his lack of lips are what put him so low on this list.







9. Theo Peckham - How adorable! Right? Now if only guys could realize that there is hockey facial hair or no facial hair.. in between is skeezy.






8. Glenn Fisher - What list would be complete without a goalie? He surpasses the ranks of DD and JDD on sheer normality. And I love the DD, I just think Glenn is better looking, in a "fuzzy pic on lavalife where you meet the guy and realize later that sure, it's the same guy but he totally misrepresented himself" kind of way.

7. Fredrik Pettersson - Has a similar look to the guy who comes in at number 1. But he doesn't pull it off quite as well.






6. Andrew Cogliano - More TV time this Christmas when he plays with the World Jrs could affect his hot prospect ranking. TV time is the death or birth of hockey crushes. (Until they do something like refuse to shake your hand at a Tragically Hip concert, which forces you to close down your fanpage.)


5. Dragan Umicevic - With a name only a mother could love, and a look that would be perfect in a musical about rival latino-bosnian gangs.. LT was right, he deserves to be on this list.


4. Brock Radunske - Don't you just want to cuddle him? Even if he does look slightly like a girl with short hair?





3. Viatcheslav "Slava" Trukhno (on right) - The eyes, the complete and utter russian-ness. And to look this good in a candid picture with a fan? How soon does The Prez realize her heart has room for two Russian men?

2. Robbie Schremp - The man, the legend. The banana-hammock.






1. Kyle Hot-Rodziak - This is the official kick-off to the "Brodziak for callup" campaign. The man can do no wrong in our eyes and hearts.

Rule 85: Slashing

Covered in Oil may have the written hockey-rotica market all sewn up, but here at Hot Oil we subscribe to the "a picture can say a thousand words" philosophy. If we wanted to read, we'd go to school. I mean, why suffer through thirty-six billion "sidelong glances" and "moistened, slightly parted lips" when Alexei Semenov and Brad May are giving up the real goods right on the ice!?

A big thanks to reader Pauline for the photo.

Stay classy, Edmonton.

With the arrival of Chris Pronger looming on the horizon, Edmonton has been wondering what kind of welcome he deserves. I am lucky enough to have tickets to see that game. Message boards and newpaper inboxes alike have been overwhelmed with opinions. Some say that booing is never classy. Some say that because Pronger played so well for Edmonton last season, he deserves a hero's welcome. They're wrong.

Well, partly. While booing might never be considered classy, there is a time and a place for it. It would be considered unclassy to boo someone else's national anthem. I think that we can all agree that that should never again happen in Edmonton. But booing a player who behaved like a petulant child and disrespected your city is not classless. It's harmless, and Pronger will be expecting it (the only thing better would be to not utter a sound. That would damage Pronger's ego much more than booing ever would. It's also impossible, for all 16 000+ fans will not agree). It's harmless as long as the line is drawn there. Throwing shit onto the ice (unless it's frozen beef prior to a playoff game) and having the booming Rexall voice remind you not to three times before resorting to threats makes Edmonton look like a city full of rednecks.

If you're at the game tomorrow, boo if you'd like but keep your hands to yourself. Then, as Alana said, we can get on with our lives.

Homecoming

On the eve of Chris Pronger's return to Edmonton, I think MacTavish should take a (fashion) note from long-time Mighty Ducks nemesis Coach Jack Riley:
Much like Gordon Bombay, Chris Pronger hates hockey and doesn't like kids. Hopefully an Oil win tomorrow will wipe that perpetually smug look off of his face, and then we can all get on with our lives. GOILERS!

Any press is good press.

Oil be sure to visit

Wednesday, November 22:

I don't normally follow blogs that treat athletes as sex objects (that's why we have supermodels), but hot-oil.blogspot.com gets my vote, only because it includes a YouTube video of Joan Jett's Do You Want to Touch Me. If they added April Wine's Rock Myself to Sleep, I'd be a happy man. Some days, I miss the '80s.

--Dan Brodribb, Ed Magazine, Edmonton Journal

"I think they gave me a heavy mic on purpose"

This one's for Loxy:



That Marty Reasoner's a funny guy.

What Your Oiler Boyfriend Says About You: Goalie Edition

Dwayne Roloson:
You're cleary brilliant, and generally awesome.

No? Okay, okay...

If you dig Roli, then you obviously have an appreciation for quirkiness. This means you're probably a little weird yourself. While you don't go out of your way to be the center of attention, you don't mind it when you are. Outward appearances aren't as important to you as what's inside, so you're probably not much of a fashionista. However, you have an odd attraction to gold, which may manifest in a large jewelry collection.

Jussi Markkanen:
Blindingly white teeth and a clean shave turn you on, so you're probably really into personal hygiene. You're not the most creative person, but you have an appreciation for conventially beautiful things. You probably have an unselfish, supportive personality, which makes you a good friend.

Conks:
You're a masochist.

Not Oily, but still tasty.

So, whilst perusing Mirtle's list of "The Best Players You've Never Heard Of" (which contains TWO Oilers!! Mom and Thor...) I found Johnny Oduya. Half Swedish, half Kenyan and all hot!

Grr.

Let's Talk About Feelings

A shootout can be an emotional rollercoaster. Mike over at CinO already posted last night's jubilation when Raffi scored the winning goal against Detroit, but here's what happens when Roli gets beaten:

Thanks to good pal Leah for the photo!

PS: I think that this is pretty much the most awesome thing ever.

Man on Man love.

Oh, Devo, how I wish we had created Hot-Oil oh so sooner.

(Watch out Rachel!)

Great Success!

6-2 over a bunch of hobos! Caliente!

Crazy Oiler Anagrams!!

Marty Reasoner = Sorry, Maneater.
Igor Ulanov = Valour in go.
Craig MacTavish = A vast, rich magic.
Dwayne Roloson = Slow rod anyone
Ethan Moreau = Human eat roe
Ales Hemsky = He my ass elk

What good ones have you found? http://www.anagramlogic.com/

Oilers All-Stars

Head on over to NHL.com to vote for your favourite Oiler to be part of the 2007 All-Star team! Hemsky, Smyth, Sykora, and my boyfriend Roloson are on the ballot for the Western Conference. I voted for all of them, of course! It's worth noting that Chris Pronger is also on the ballot, so make sure to vote against him. And Liles. Vote! Go now!

Only losers play hockey regularly at 5 280 feet.

The Oilers are taking on Colorado tonight in approximately one hour and forty minutes. Will Horcoff score a goal? Will Winchester get a hat trick? Only time will tell.

You've still got enough time to head over to the liquor store in order to participate in the Oilers Drinking Game!

Would you rather play in an arena named after a drug store or a soft drink?

The Greatest Arena Rock Anthem that Wasn't

When it comes to NHL games, the ice isn't the only place where women are under-represented. While the sound system repeatedly bleats such aural assaults as "Cotton-Eyed Joe" and "Song #2," scarcely a female voice is heard. Sometimes a top-40 pop tart (see: Fergie) breaks through the male-dominated clutter, but these tunes typically have no longevity -- in a decade, I doubt that "London Bridge" will be blasted whenever Hemsky 2.0 scores a goal. In contrast, "Welcome to the Jungle" will almost definitely remain in the repertoire.

Admittedly, there are not a lot of rock anthems with female vocals. "Hit me with your Best Shot" should probably get more play than it does, but the rest of Benetar's catalogue is a little too emo for the rink. Lita Ford's "Kiss me Deadly" has potential, but isn't very well-known and often gets overlooked. In light of this dilemma, what can us ladies do to inject some much-needed estrogen into the Oilers' PA system? Maybe what we should really be asking is: What Would Joan Jett Do?

I think Joan Jett would bust out her gritty, sexy, and generally amazing cover of the notorious Gary Glitter's "Do you Wanna Touch Me." While Glitter's version is sleazy (go figure) and really quite fey, Jett transforms this silly song about clumsy seduction into a head-banging, fist-pumping, crowd-rallying rock and roll anthem that rivals the best that GnR, Van Halen, or any of those other old men have to offer. Just listening to this tune on my MP3 player makes me feel as if I've been transported to some epic sports event where the stadium is screaming "YEAH; OH YEAH; OH YEAH!" along with the chorus.

Considering that the Oilers are the sexiest team in the league, I think it would be appropriate for their celebratory theme song to be about that deadly combo: raging hormones and whiskey. How better to follow a climactic breakaway goal than with the orgasmic declaration, "Do you wanna touch me there (where?) there! YEAH!"?
I mean, really.

Dinktown, USA

Whenever I hear Detroit referred to as "Hockeytown" without a trace of irony, it's all I can do to keep my head from exploding. Hockeytown, my ass. In a true "Hockeytown," fans would stick around the arena until the final buzzer or, you know, actually sell out the games in the first place. In a true "Hockeytown," the cheers when Winchester was knocked flat on his back tonight would have been deafening. In reality, all the TSN microphones were able to pick up were a few halfhearted "whoo"s. Pathetic.

You know what else is pathetic? The Oilers' zero shots on five powerplays. 16 shots total in the game. What in the hell is going on?

It seemed like the rookie line (Winchester, Petersen, and Thoresen) was getting a lot of icetime tonight -- I'm not sure if this was a good thing, especially when they were put out on the PP. Winchester in particular had a busy game -- Dude looks like a lady, but he was out-hustling almost everyone wearing white and punching everything in sight! Thoresen put in a pretty good game, too, with lots of sharp backchecking. These young guys should remind the veterans how to move their feet.

Aside from the rookies, my boyfriend Dwayne Roloson was the only Oiler who didn't seem to phone in tonight's performance. Stopping 42 of 45 shots, he finished the game with a .933 SV% and a second star. He's so cute.

Dream a little dream of me.

Have you guys had any Oilers dreams?

While I can still remember this, I should share it.

So, I'm in class. It's a big lecture hall, reminiscent of my university days. But it's still supposed to be my BCIT journalism program. I know this because a few classmates are sitting around me. We're talking Oilers even - about new players that are looking good on the team. (I'm lucky to have a HUGE Oilers fan with me in my program, as well as a couple other Oil supporters)

One of the non-hockey following girls in class starts talking about the new cute guy in class. I can only see him from the back, as he sits in front of us. I say that long hair doesn't really do it for me. And she says, "fine, go back to your stupid Oilers conversation." I start saying how Patrick Thoresen has been such a surprise.

And then the new guy turns around and that's exactly who it is.

Unfortunately, that's all I remember.

Say what?

Spot the error.

Oilers Drinking Game

With the Oilers in the midst of a tail-spin, their games can be pretty tough to watch. Sometimes it's enough to drive you to drink -- so why not make a game of it?

Take a drink when:
Oilers win a faceoff
An Oiler blocks a shot
Oilers get a 5 on 4 Power Play
Oilers goalie drinks from his water bottle
Roloson starts yapping at the refs
MacTavish is shown with his mouth wide open
Smytty is in the crease or screening the goalie
MAB makes a defensive error
Greene gets a penalty
One of the players makes you swoon (for any reason)
Girls in the stands wearing tight shirts are shown
An Oilers fan in an opposing arena is shown
A fan’s sign makes you laugh
An ex-Oiler gets booed at Rexall

Take two drinks when:
An Oiler blocks a shot with his face
Oilers kill a penalty
Oilers breakaway
Oilers get a 5 on 3 Power Play
A goalie (either team) gets a penalty
Hemsky has a clear shot on net and chooses to pass instead
Roloson’s mask pops off
Roloson bats the puck down the ice like a baseball
MAB takes a shot and hits one of the Oilers
Raffi makes a big hit
There’s a fight
There have been 5 consecutive passes on the Power Play without a shot on net
You can see (or hear) one of the players say “fuck”
Your favourite Oiler gets interviewed at intermission
You learn nothing from the intermission player interview
The current Oilers get booed at Rexall

Finish the rest of your drink when:
Any Guns n’ Roses song is played
Oilers score
Roloson gets in a fight (finish a second drink if it’s a goalie vs. goalie fight!)
MacTavish loses his mind on the refs
Oilers goalie gets an assist
Oilers get a shutout
Oilers finish a Power Play without a single shot on net
You actually miss Conklin

Chug until you pass out when:
McGeough is reffing the game. It’s better that you not watch.

The 2nd highest scoring Norwegian in NHL history is....

Moving in:
http://atvs.vg.no/player/player.php?id=5930

Being interviewed:
http://atvs.vg.no/player/player.php?id=5938

Who's their Ben Mulroney?

Just a quick fact: Daniel Tjarnqvist's brother, Mathias lists his favourite TV show as Swedish Idol (seriouskly, check out the link).

I'm glad I wasn't the one who had to post about last night's disgusting display. I'm still speechless.

This man is seriously NOT hot.

The antics of this man are irreparable. This showboating tub of lard took the game into his own hands and the result was devastating. The Oil deserved better, baby Jesus cried and in response the silver fox, hot-oil's 2nd runner up, said some things that erred on the side of inappropriate (but boy what a clip!).

I can forgive MacT. I've used the same "R" word many a time.

"You don’t call retarded people retards. It’s bad taste. You call your friends retards – when they’re acting retarded."

His attention to public commentary detail was lost in a moment of complete emotion.

I can't forgive Mick McGeough. He deserves to pay for his mistakes. And that's the inherent problem... it wasn't just one mistake, you fucking piece of shit.

Live Nude Roli!

Well, probably not nude. My boyfriend Dwayne Roloson will be spending some time by the magazine racks at Save on Foods (11180 Ellerslie Road) tomorrow between 2 and 3 PM. Head on down there to soak up some sexy curmudgeonly weirdness! And get me an autograph!

In other news, our Hot Champion 2006 had surgery yesterday and is in recovery. He may be back on the ice by February.
Get better, Ethan!

I'm a happy guy! I'm playing in the NHL!

Thanks to a friendly anonymous tip, I found the below CTV segment on YouTube that digs into those horrible roster photos. As you know, these images have been controversial here at Hot Oil. Unfortunately, the reporter chose to focus on the photos themselves and didn't try to find an explanation for the retina-burning sci-fi backgrounds. The clip is pretty funny, nonetheless. HEMSHKEEEE!

Boo!

Happy Halloween, y'all! Here's a pretty hilarious Sportsnet segment about Shawn Horcoff's costume for this year's Oilers Halloween Party -- I didn't even know such an event existed! This video is also enhanced with lots of delicious Roli and Reasoner footage. Enjoy!



The Predators are going down!

PS: Hot Oil is apparently the #1 Google search result for the phrase "glamorous emo hairstyle." If that's how you got here, I hope you found what you were looking for.

Ulie rises again!

Starting in November, Ulanov will be wearing a jersey for Mikhnov's old team, Yaroslavl. I'm sad to see him leave Canada, but if it means that I'll get to obsessively follow his hockey career again, I'm all for it. I really missed his angelic on-ice moves. It's been too long.

I guarantee that the young guns over in the elite league will learn a thing or two from the seasoned hands of Igor Ulanov. They too will develop mighty battle scars on their faces. Perhaps I will one day lust after them. But not likely, for they will be far too young for my tastes. And nobody will ever be as deliciously robust.

A loaf of bread, a carton of eggs, dreamy eyes...

Ladies of Edmonton: Head on down to the Calgary Trail Save on Foods (3361 Calgary Trail South) today between 1 and 2 PM if you'd like to pick up some eye candy with your groceries. Dreamy-eyed (and single!) Joffrey Lupul will be signing autographs.

Is the answer Jesus?

After their devestating 6-2 loss to the awful Coyotes yesterday, the Oil will really need to step it up against Alexander Ovechkin and the Red Squares this weekend. Plagued by impotent offence and apathetic goaltending for the past two games, I think the boys are in need of a serious pep talk before Saturday's throwdown. And who better to rile up the players than the immortal Reggie Dunlop?



Take notes, MacT.

Chris Pronger ruined my birthday.

The Ducks were not supposed to win last night. Oilers fans were supposed to experience the glorious feeling one feels when the enemy is defeated. Instead, that smug bastard Pronger got three assists and left the Oilers with their heads hanging.

Now I'm scared. Prior to last night, I didn't really pay much attention to Anaheim. I knew that they were good, that a few of them were madly collecting points for my fantasy teams, but I felt this sense of entitlement (similar to how I felt before the infamous game seven). It seemed like losing wasn't a possibility. The Oilers were supposed to kick Pronger's ass.

On a good note, Stoll has picked up the pace. I hope it lasts.

I'm going to the November 28th game against Anaheim. I'd very much like to wear some sort of anti-Pronger costume. Any ideas?

Happiness had better be restored tonight.

Heart and Soul of Team Badly in Need of Brain

*Headline shamelessly stolen from The Onion

Enemy #1

When I see him on TV, hear his name, read anything about him, I get this knot in my soul. It's a pain that can only be soothed by looking deep into the eyes of Joffrey Lupul and imagining his lips form the words "Oh, Loxy."

And even still, there is still a feeling that I that remains - a lingering hate. I can't get over it. And I hope the Oilers haven't either.

This is their greatest challenge yet, playing a team with two number 1 goaltenders, a capable forward set, and a number 1 jerkface.

Am I ever going to forgive him for abandoning us? Not anytime soon. But it will make it feel better tonight when the Oil put him in his place.

Sorry, Gretzky...

Boos for Comrie, cheers for Laraque.

The last time I attended a game against Phoenix, Edmonton destroyed them 7-1. On Monday, I again had the pleasure of witnessing the destruction of the Coyotes, even if it was on a slightly lesser scale.

The Oilers finally benefitted from their man advantage, scoring twice on the powerplay. Horcoff and Stoll finally scored their firsts of the season, leaving a frustrated-looking and pointless Pisani in the dust.

Baldness helped Raffi Torres, as he scored the first goal of the game. Maybe if he shaves off the ludicrous facial hair, he'll get promoted back to the second line. But not likely, because Thoreson is a machine! This city will quickly fall in love with the Thoreson-Sykora-Hemsky line, for good reason. Sykora and Hemsky scored the fourth and fifth goals for the Oilers last night, giving Sykora four points on the night.

Mikhnov played his first regualr season NHL game last night, unimpressively. He wouldn't have even been noticed, had it not been for his enormous stature and snail-paced skating. We miss you, Ethan.

Edmonton is obsessed with Laraque. I saw no fewer than seven Phoenix Laraque jerseys, and that was just from where I was sitting. Would you purchase the jersey for your favourite team or for your favourite player?

The night's three stars: The Oilers' second line. Sykora, Hemsky and Thoreson took first, second and third respectively.

Oilers forwards (who play on a regular basis) yet to score a goal: Reasoner, Winchester and Pisani!

In other news, you can now test your Ulanov knowledge!

If You Leave, Don't Leave Now...

Please don't take our hearts away.

I'm sad to inform you that our Hot Champion 2006, Ethan Moreau, may be out for the rest of the season. It turns out that his slap fight injury (a dislocated shoulder) will likely require surgery. I hope that our care package of processed meat sticks and spicy candy will help console him during this difficult period. Our squees are with you, Ethan.

Since Moreau can't fulfill his duties as Hot Champion, does this mean that our runner-up, Mr. Dwayne Roloson, becomes the champ by default? Hello? Bueller?

Oh come on...a girl can dream, can't she?

Fuck Yeah

Chez Alana, most of tonight's 3-1 win against Detroit was pre-empted by a private showing of The Last Unicorn. Extinction is a bitch, yo. Nevertheless, I managed to catch some of the highlights including Hemsky's radical game of keep-away with the Detroit defencemen and Roloson's always-hilarious baseball move. One of these days, Roli. One of these days.

Staios made a really interesting comment after the game that a lot of the players try to get the puck to Hemsky at every opportunity because he's so awesome. Some teams have picked up on this and started giving the little freak extra coverage, which has hampered the Oil offence. Sounds like this is something that MacT is working on, which will hopefully lead to more breathing-room for Hemsky and fewer turnovers when he's on the ice. Pretty good!

Lupul hypnotized Detroit's defence twice tonight with his dreamy eyes, picking up an assist and a goal. Hot Champion 2006 Ethan Moreau gave himself a bizarre arm injury after slapping (yes, slapping) the side of Markov's helmet, and I think MAB made yet another enemy tonight in Loxy when he sent a painful-looking slapshot straight into Marty Reasoner's shin. Oh, MAB. Will you ever win?

EDIT: I forgot to mention that, during Behind the Mask, Hrudey (lookin' cute in a pink Breast Cancer Awareness cap) said that he thinks Roli has a better glove hand than Vezina-winner Kiprusoff! squee!

I *heart* Pisani's wife.

(Clockwise from top left: Pisani, Huddy, Smith, Staios)

I got this picture from a story about the "Lives of the wives". It's amazing what you can find if you type "Oiler Wives" into google. As I thought, they have a charity and for 3 and a half pages of that article - I was empathetic for what they have to deal with. That was until the last line of the last paragraph, care of Mrs. Smith:
"It can be hard. You can't help but think of the guys on the road, eating out, staying in great hotels, eating nice meals. And you're home wiping up baby poop and eating Kraft Dinner again."

Eating Kraft Dinner? Give me a friggin' break. Even Brad Winchester makes more this year than I'll make in the next ten years combined.

So Mrs. Smith? You're not getting any sympathy from me. There are actual families who eat Kraft Dinner every night because it costs around $1 to produce. And what about the health of your children? Cook up a stir fry if you know what is good for you! I bet you can afford some bell-peppers too! And instead of throwing in pieces of cardboard for protein like I do, you might use meat.

That said, I love Heidi Pisani. I found this podcast video about the Oilers wives charity stuff. Heidi seems so sweet. She's just an Edmonton kid who fell for her high school sweetheart. (And I have higher respect for people who are fair skinned like myself - even ginger kids - we take a lot of flack just because we fade in and out of walls)

You can find out more about what the ladies are doing here.

Too easy, MC79

So, due to the high number of search engine hits he was getting for "Does _____ have a girlfiend?," Tyler of mc79hockey fame challenged us to compile a list of which Oilers are taken and which ones are not. Thanks to Google and our super-helpful readers, this challenge was pretty simple. Next time, we'll have to raise the bar.

As a side note, have you looked at the roster page lately? Apparently the Oilers are from OUTER SPACE!

Without further delay, here is the list. To all of you squeeing fangirls out there who hope that, one day, you may be able to land yourself an athletic, hairy, and toothless hunk of Oilers man-meat: We salute you.

Married
Shawn Horcoff
Ryan Smyth
Petr Sykora
Ethan Moreau
Marty Reasoner
Jason Smith
Daniel Tjarnqvist
Dwayne Roloson (sigh)
Alexei Mikhnov
Jan Hejda
Steve Staios
Fernando Pisani
Jussi Markkanen
Craig MacTavish
Patrick Thoresen (thanks, Pat!)

Girlfriend
MAB
Raffi Torres (engaged, I believe)
Jarret Stoll (Mr. Rachel Hunter)
Ales Hemsky*
Ladislav Smid*
Kyle Brodziak*
MAP

Single (OMG!)
Joffrey Lupul
Brad Winchester
Matt Greene
Jean-Francois Jacques*

*Unconfirmed, but we're pretty sure. If you know for a fact that any of these are wrong, please let us know.

A challenge, he says.

MC79 of MC79 fame has put, in writing, a challenge.

I think it is a fair challenge.
I think that we can do some digging.
I think the best course of action is to infiltrate the inner circle.

Due to this post, they will know that we are coming. (Granted, I'll only be coming from December 18-28, but that might be enough time to snag one of the fuglies.)

Prez? Alana? Ideas? Disguises?

Maybe I should explore the "Adam Reasoner" route.

Zzzz...what, three minutes left?

I attended tonight's game against Vancouver, which was the longest game in the history of the NHL. It felt like it, anyway. Extreme boredom was sandwiched nicely between the exciting first three minutes, and the nailbiter last three. Again, the sloppy play by the Oilers was almost cancelled out by the goaltender's prowess. Hats off to you, Jussi, even if you only faced 22 shots.

And where the hell did Thoreson come from (besides the obvious, I mean)? Norway's darling is a little machine. Also, congratulations extended to Steve Staios for assisting on both Moreau's goal and Thoreson's goal. And for being the first star.

The Bergeron hate continues! Rightly so, because he is terrible. At what point will we get to see the sexy play of Jan Hejda?

Twins are Evil

I wasn't able to watch last night's game, so head on over to MC79hockey for a real recap. I did listen to the second period on 630 CHED, and it sounded like Roli played a great game (which earned him a second star in the end) -- 'atta boy!

For no reason other than unfounded hatred, I blame this loss collectively on the Sedin twins and that troll MAB. Let's hope the Oil can overcome these evil forces in tonight's rematch. GOILERS!

Tonight means a lot to me.

As a Vancouver resident who survived my first year here with a complete diet of the Oilers kicking the Canucks collective asses, I can only hope for a similar result tonight. The Canucks have gotten hotter over the off-season with the departure of Todd "The Mangler" Bertuzzi and the acquisition of Roberto "something must rhyme with" Luongo and Willie "Big Smiles" Mitchell. I think the hottest (and I say that in a very non-sexual way considering the looks of these two) players that we have to watch out for are the twins. The little misses have grown into fine young players (and still not men).

How scared am I? Really?

Well, this Oilers team really scares me as to how good, I mean hot, they could really be. And nothing is hotter than the jacket.

My prediction? A 5-3 win with goals from Reasoner, Ulanov, MacT, Moreau, and Pisani.

Hats Off to Smytty!

For those who haven't seen it, here's Smytty's hat trick from last Thursday. I love how the first goal doesn't even touch his stick -- I think it goes in off his ankle. That's hott!

Oh Yeah.

I learned last night that Milan Hejduk is a fast motherfucker. Seriously. Fast. No matter -- the adorable Roli played a great game and fended off the boys in purple (with no help from MAB, mind you) on the way to a surprisingly exciting 4-3 win. Rad!

Not to beat a dead goat, but I blame the second goal against the Oilers entirely on Mr. Bergeron. In front of Roloson, MAB decided to stop skating with Tyler Arnason and feebly wave his stick at him instead as he drove the net and scored. If you're too tired to skate with your man, get off the damn ice you horrible troll!

As noted here, Ryan Smyth is an idiot savant when it comes to being in the perfect place at the perfect time. He was at the top of his game again last night, popping the puck past Jose Theodore twice. Sykora got the game winner with his amazing bendy stick on a shot from the high slot. I think Mr. Hilton was distracted by his impending hair loss.

Following the game, the batch of Toronto- and Jersey-residin' Edmonton ex-pats who had collected at our place to watch the game became distracted by shiny, shiny YouTube. This, this, and this will blow your mind.

In other news, the Oilers have updated their roster page to make it easier to compare the relative hotness across our boys. Shout out?

Friday the 13th!

Last night the Oilers beat the Sharks. A dandy birthday present for Mr. Roloson, despite the fact that he let in four goals. The game was on Pay-Per-View, so I didn't actually watch the game. Thank goodness for the highlights!

Last night Ryan Smyth broke Wayne Gretzky's record for a Hat Trick in the least amount of time. Gretzky's previous record of three goals in two minutes and eighteen seconds (18 February, 1981) was beaten last night by Smyth's Hat Trick in two minutes and one second.

In other news, the Oilers have told anthem-singer Paul Lorieau (pictured here in the photo I took at the game opener) to stop turning the mic over to the fans and to sing the entire song himself. Apparently he gets paid the same either way.

Today is Marc-André Bergeron's birthday.

It's the wave of the future! Face Recognition!