Robbie Schremp does interpretive dance about the Oilers season.

"Good news for you if you're not Rick DiPietro."

Or the rest of the Islanders.

In a scenario that a Mr. Ryan Smyth might be sort of familiar with, the goaltender of his current team, the NY Islanders, is out indefinitely TSN reports. Right near playoff time. The 67.5 million dollar man was injured on March 13th and is now suffering from post-concussion symptoms. DiPietro missed the two games following his collision with a Montreal player and NYI lost both games, allowing 13 goals. That draft pick might be looking tastier than previously thought.

And I can only assume that Bergeron is somehow responsible.

The Prez's Saturday Night

...as told to me (and the oilogosphere) via email:

First off, I'm somewhat (ok, really) intoxicated. I just came back from watching-theOilers-get-spanked-by-Nashville-then-went-to-Hudsons
-and-saw-the-Oilers-there-and-then-I-was-mad-that-they-weren't
-even-upset-that-they're-terrible-and-Joffrey-Lupul-was-trying-harder
-off-the-ice-than-on-it.

But yes, Alana...why did they win last night? I went to that game wanting Colorado to win for the obvious reasons (and then all the teams behind us fucking went on and lost tonight)...but then something changed. Yeah. Roloson was fucking amazing. Reasoner? He was the only one who scored on the shootout. I don't know if you guys were able to watch that game, but it didn't even seem like we were outshot 2:1. The last two periods (because we all know by now these Oilers cannot play all three periods well) were awesome. Something happened and I wanted them to win. It was sick. I should not have let emotions get to me. But I was glad they won. Your gentlemen friends were awesome. Well, mine was, too, but for a different
league (hello...Igor Ulanov's three point game in a playoff sweep over Malkin's former team...). And just an aside: I'm in contact with a season ticket holder for the Lokomotiv, and she says that Grebeshkov is quite the offensive defenseman (I'm sure MacT will change THAT in a hurry), but he makes plenty o' grave defensive errors (MAB?). And Mikhnov is carrying the team through the playoffs. Apparently he's God over there right now. Fucker. And Ulanov is getting game misconduct penalties like it's nobody's business.

Oilers sightings: I saw Greene at O'Byrnes on St. Patrick's day, and I had a conversation with him for about three minutes. We discussed how we were both fans of Igor Ulanov. How sweet. Then he said that he was like his grandpa. Sexy! Tonight I had the "pleasure" of seeing Lupul, Mommy, Jacques, Hemsky, Greene and Smid (he's sort of built funny) at Hudson's on
Whyte. I think they should have been sitting in the corner thinking how they ruined our lives.

This e-mail is about nothing. But Gilbert looks Ulanovesque, and I like it.

I bet these guys could beat the Oilers, too.

D'oh!

Of all the games left in the season, why did the Oil have to go and win this one? Not only did last night's shootout win against Colorado put us farther away from a first draft pick, it did nothing to help the Avs catch the (ew) Flames in the standings.

The good news: my boyfriend Dwayne Roloson stopped a season-high 43 shots to get the first star of the game, Hemsky's back and scoring goals, Loxy's boyfriend Marty Reasoner got the shootout winner, and Lupul scored on the ice for once!

That's all well and good, but let's get back to losing -- first draft pick, here we come!

Cuts like a Knife

It's the end of the road for Steve Staios, at least for this season. He's undergoing surgery for a dislocated knee cap. His forgotten team mate Tjarnqvist just had surgery for a sports hernia earlier this week.

Edmonton was officially eliminated from the playoffs with Calgary's victory over Detroit last night. It's the earliest that the Oilers have ever been out of the playoffs. Ouch. But like we didn't see it coming. I won't be depressed with an Oilers loss tonight, for I like high draft picks. And I wouldn't mind if Colorado snuck up on Calgary, either.

Go Yaroslavl!

Thank you Bobby Lou

As I made a nice big batch of lasagne last night, I flipped through the TV channels, trying to figure out what to watch. I stumbled upon the Oilers-Canucks game and decided, hell, why not watch? How bad can it be? It was bad... I thought the Oilers might win.

While I don't support giving up, I do support getting a high draft pick. The plethora of injuries means that we've started bringing up players from the QMJHL. Junior players! Junior players who aren't the next Sidney Crosby. We don't deserve to win. But give the kids playing time, by all means!

I live in Vancouver and am scared of the playoff run the Canucks might make this year. Canucks fans have been unbearable in my two years in the lower mainland. If it weren't for the fans, I could probably get behind this team. They've made some good moves, they play hard and have overachieved without becoming a favorite. The play of Roberto Luongo, despite his lack of a playoff record, makes me wonder if Vancouver was only a goaltender graveyard because they never had a bonafide starter.

The Vancouver I saw last night underperformed in a way reminscent of the Oilers down the stretch last year. They had already convinced me they deserved to be in the playoffs, but struggled against bottom feeders. But when your best player is your goaltender, teams beware.

A hot goaltender can take a team a long way in the post season. Last night's version of the canucks didn't have a team that scared me. It had a goaltender that was positionally remarkable, perfectly timed and just a bit lucky. While they can't win every game 2-1... they only have to win four each series...

Wake me up when the riots are over.

And Raffi thinks he can get the ladies...

Raffi, Raffi, Raffi.

This just goes to show that a crooked "landing strip" is not enough to keep the ladies away from an NHL player (read: millionaire). Thanks to an anonymous commenter for the pic.

How quickly you will be forgotten.

The Oilers have recalled a little taste of the QMJHL in the form of Sebastien Bisaillon on an emergency basis after Smid was injured in Saturday's game. He has dreamy eyes. As Joffrey Lupul has proven so well, it takes much more than nice eyes to get the job done.

TSN reports in the last paragraph of this article that Nedved is no longer an Oiler. But don't ask the Oilers webiste, because they still have him listed on the roster. Apparently he's out on IR for tomorrow's game. Nedved beat his last stint with the Oilers by a total of three games. May he never come back again.

The Oilers Shopping Channel

Gentlemen, have you ever felt the need to drape your special lady in Oilers logos? Lucky for you, these beauties are now on offer for a limited time only! For only five dollars more, pick up the matching necklace and bask in her appreciation. After all, "gold" novelty jewellery is a girl's best friend!

While you're at it, treat yourself to this classy number. Your friends will be jealous and your boss will be impressed. It truly is the ultimate in style -- Ask Craig Simpson!

Not Satisfied with Prospects and Picks, K.Lo's Obsession with Youth takes a Disturbing Turn

This coming August, the Oilers will be opening a summer camp for kids aged 8 to 16 -- presumably to bolster the team's reserves once the current squad graduates from diapers. Instead of diplomas, K.Lo will present the students with $250,000 per year, 10-year Oiler contracts when they finish the one-week program.

Where's the call-up?

For once, I'm serious. Shouldn't we see a lil' bit of Schremp during these dark days of Oilers hockey? With Petersen moving to defence (possibly) and Horcoff questionable for tonight, we need someone for the powerplay!

Oilers Mix Tape #2

The Oil has got a lot of fans (including yours truly) feeling pretty emotional these days, what with the trading and the losing and the injuries and the shady excuses and the losing and the rookies...

Like any good child of the 80's, I firmly believe that mix tapes are pretty much the solution for everything. To help my Oil lovin' pals get through this super-sad time, here's an especially emo mix to cry along to.

He Hit Me (it felt like a kiss) - The Crystals
This song really speaks to Oil fans' loyalty. The EIG keeps feeding us garbage, but we always take it with a smile and come back for more. Suckers? Maybe.

Selfless, Cold, and Composed - Ben Folds Five
A solid description of the steely, unemotional responses from K.Lo and the EIG regarding media inquiries on Smyth's trade, the budget, and the Oilers' future.

Boys Don't Cry - The Cure
This one's for our male readers. Let it out, guys!

Miss Misery - Elliot Smith
A boycotting fan's love song to the EIG: "Two tickets torn in half / And a lot of nothing to do / Do you miss me, miss misery / Like you say you do?"

Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division
Waaaaaaahhhhhhh! *sob*

Girlfriend in a Coma - The Smiths
This damn team is in a coma. Like Morissey, a lot of fans have shown indifference toward the Oiler's failures ("There were times when I could have murdered her...no I don't want to see her"). But secretly, they still love the Oil ("I would hate anything to happen to her...would you please let me see her").

Do You Really Want to Hurt Me? - Culture Club
Do you, K.Lo?

Blue Monday - New Order
This one's all about the EIG's attempts at groupthink and their dependence on Oil fans' undying devotion: “I’m quite sure that you’ll tell me just how to feel today”

When the Children Cry - White Lion
Aside from being hilarious, this song is for the Oiler rookies. Don't cry, young 'uns. You're finally playing in the NHL! Sort of!

Winds of Change - Scorpions
I mostly just like the whistling in this song, but it also represents a ray of hope: "The future's in the air / I can feel it everywhere." I mean, there's really no place to go but up, right? ... Right?

Shocker.

Well, according to Mirtle's Playoff Push, last night's loss to the Ducks officially put the Oilers out of reach of the Playoffs. At least this means the terrible 2006-07 season will soon be history.

There's some interesting talk in a post below about whether the Oil deserve our fandom at this point. Andy makes some good points about "voting with your dollars" when management tears the team apart and offers a sub-par product, which I agree with to a point. However, an integral part of fandom is loyalty, and jumping ship when the team is losing turns my stomach nearly as much as when bandwagon-jumpers "adopt" the team when it's performing well (Red Mile, anyone?). Fairweather fans are cheating themselves -- sure, it's fun to get caught up in the winning, and who wants to cheer for a team who is lower in the standings than perennial butt-of-all-jokes St. Louis? What they're missing is that it's seasons like these that make playoff runs like last year's so much sweeter. Cheering only for a winning team is boring! I mean, would beating the President's Trophy winning Red Wings in the first round have felt nearly as good if you couldn't remember all of those heartbreaking playoff losses to the (grr) Dallas Stars over the past decade?

I'll admit that I was a more passive Oil fan through the black mid-90's, but they never stopped being my team. I still don't know if I'm going to choose a team to follow through the playoffs, now that it's all-but-confirmed the Oilers won't be there. What I do know is that I'll be back in front of the TV next October, ready to cheer on whatever rag-tag bunch of misfits that K.Lo has assembled, even if it's just a bunch of hobos, Russian skating bears, and Matt Greene.

Top ten signs you're actually an AHL team

10. The St. Louis Blues have more points than you.

9. Toby Pederson is the only player who scores.

8. Laddy Smid leads your team in minutes.

7. Only six of your skaters have a season of NHL play under their belt.

6. You've been outscored 24-5 in the last 6 games and you've lost 10 of your last 12 games.

5. You don't have a farm team, so all your prospects just play on the NHL team.

4. Hot-Oil poster "Loxy" forgets that her hometown has a team.

3. You're checking if it's mathematically possible for Philly to pass you in the standings.

2. You traded away Ryan Smyth.

1. You are the Edmonton Oilers.

Renew! Renew!

The Oilers have started their aggressive campaign to get season seat holders to renew their tickets. We were reminded about every five minutes on the big screen at last night's game. Shawn Horcoff, Jarret Stoll and Paul Coffey personally feel that you should renew your seats. From the bottom of their hearts. It's extremely poor timing to start the campaign now. That being said, no amount of losses or injuries would prevent my season ticket partner from renewing our tickets. Deadline for renewal is March 14th.

The adorable Jan Hejda and the Macedonian machine, Steve Staios suffered shoulder and knee injuries respectively against the Lightning, which has opened the door for yet another prospect. The Oilers have called up Bryan Young from Wilkes-Barre/Scranton. Young is the Oilers' last available signed professional blueliner. He's no Tom Gilbert, but Bryan Young still has an appealing boyish charm to him. Sebastien Bisaillon is rumoured to be called up soon as well. And just because we spent an entire weekend making it, here's a tribute video for a former Oilers d-man.

Kyle Brodziak played in his first regular season NHL game of the season last night and spent 15:15 on the ice, with 11 seconds PP time and 35 seconds short-handed. Squee!

"We need some magical healing, or we have to see a witch doctor or something." - Jason Smith

Remember we beat Russians, '72?

I can't remember how many years ago this commercial came out, but it never left my brain. It's still one of my favourites!

All is not lost!

Thanks to an anonymous commenter's tip, it's come to my attention that the dreamy Kyle Brodziak has been recalled to replace that good-for-nothing Petr Nedved! Brodziak's been having a sweet season, with a +11 and career-high scoring. I'm under no illusions that he'll pull the Oilers' season out of the toilet, but at least we'll have some eye candy to help us through the last few weeks. RAWR!

I caught a grand total of two minutes of tonight's debacle...

and all the footage I saw was of Roli kicking his own ass to save the game. How depressing must it be to finally, finally be a starting NHL goalie, only to have an AHL team in front of you?

A Begrudging Look at our New Oilers

Robert Nilsson
Son of Oilers scout Kent Nilsson and godson of the great Gretz, this nepo-TASTIC aquisition was born in Calgary and grew up a Flames fan. Seems like a fair trade for a guy who bled Oilers orange since the day he was born. It gets better: Robbie here is apparently the most bland man alive, listing his favourite TV show as "Friends," his favourite movie as "The Shawshank Redemption," his favourite book as "The Da Vinci Code,' and his favourite food as "pizza." Ladies, if you like your men moderately good-looking and devestatingly boring, you are in luck!

On the bright side, this Sweden-raised fellow has been compared to fellow Scandinavians Forsberg, Naslund, and the Sedin twins. He's a good skater, with solid play-making skills and a hard shot. However, his largest weakness has been identified to be his defensive game. BEAUTY!

Nilsson also seems to have a bit of Schremp in him when it comes to unconventional stick-handling techniques. This video shows him scooping and lifting the puck over a goalie's shoulder. Blinded by bitterness, even I can admit that that's pretty sweet (although I think my favourite thing about the clip is that it's called "Icehockey Superscore!").

Ryan O'Marra
Ryan here led Team Canada to the gold medal at the 2004 U-18 World Junior Cup as an assistant captain. I guess K.Lo found it reasonable to replace "Captain Canada" with "Assistant Captain Canada, Junior." O'Marra also played on the winning 2006 and 2007 Canadian World Junior Ice Hockey Championship teams, so he's got that going for him.

As this video shows, Ryan is an attractive man who is obsessed with Gatorade. He's also a good fighter. These are definitely qualities I can get behind.

TRIVIA: Mr. O'Marra has the distinction of being the first Japanese-born player to be selected in the first-round of the NHL draft, even if he was only born in Japan because his Canadian parents were travelling on business. Squee?

The latest in the Smyth Saga

An online petition: http://ryansmyth.epetitions.net/

Gone but not forgotten.

Smyth started his NHL career in Edmonton and became an icon in the city. He was an Oilers fan as a kid, starting when he was four; while growing up in Banff, he prayed for magic shoes so he could walk to Edmonton and be part of the team, his father said.

- Edmonton Journal

Thanks to Tyler for the tip. Check Always On The Road for the full press conference video.